"Congratulations, you're a 2012 Olympian, representing Spain at the London Games! Now try not to vomit as we make you wear this …"
Every Olympiad, there's some nation whose kit gets universally mocked or debated for its fashion sense. The Czech Republic sparked an "eyesore or awesome?" controversy at the Vancouver Winter Games for its migraine-inducing multicolored camouflage.
But it's rarely the athletes representing those nations that take part in the mockery … unless you're Spain, whose Luchador-meets-McDonald's employee look has received shock and awe from its Olympians.
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On the left is Saul Craviotto, a gold medal-winning canoeist, who tweeted this image of him in Spain's Olympic garb and offering a "no comment" about their look: "I leave it up to you."
(OK, if it was up to us, we'd say he was being attacked by a school of radioactive jellyfish.)
Retired tennis player Carlos Moya said, via Twitter: "Looking forward to seeing [tennis player] Feliciano López wearing the official Olympic uniform. He'll never have worn anything so ugly in his life."
Field hockey player Alex Fabregas tweeted the photo in the right, with a request to his fans: "Spare the adjectives ..."
Our first inclination was that these outfits were designed by a hyperactive child with a kaleidoscope; actually, they're the work of Russian firm Bosco, the designer for Russia and Ukraine's teams that donated these clothes to the Spanish Olympic Committee without compensation.
So yes, you can actually give these away for free.
"We've studied Spanish folklore in detail and we are confident that both athletes and citizens will agree that this is a nice design, authentic and round and, above all, very Spanish."
"The outfits are what we have, we cannot change them now, and were decided upon more than a year and a half ago," [Spanish Olympic Committee] president, Alejandro Blanco, told sports daily AS on Wednesday. "When Rafael Nadal [the flag bearer] and all the others appear in their uniforms the whole world will applaud and Spain as well."
In a separate interview with ABC Punto Radio, Blanco said, "When you measure the difference between paying one and a half million of public money and free clothes, there is no discussion."
That's a great point: At least Spain still has sports hero Rafael Nadal leading the oh, nuts, he pulled out due to injury.
Or maybe he saw the Olympic kits. One of the two.
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