FPM Medal: Fashion division

The only episode of Project Runway I have ever seen showed the contestants trying to outfit female professional wrestlers, managers and divas, so I may not be the most qualified observer to hand out the FPM medals for fashion; but, in the true spirit of Olympic judging, I'll do my best be partial and unfair, and I will disregard factual evidence in favor of my own preferences. I am also willing to accept bribes.

On a visual level, the Beijing Olympic Games were a Sizzler scale buffet from the very first minute of the Opening Ceremony to the final passing of the torch to London. The sheer volume of athletic attire and costumery makes it very hard to pick out the award winners, but just as the 26.3 mile marathon begins with a single step, we must start in order to finish:

Fashion No-No medal - This was a close call with the banned lighted costumes of the Spanish synchronized swimmers a strong runner up, but the FPM medal goes to the New Zealand men's field hockey team, whose black undergarments beneath their white shorts resulted in the team's coach being forced to watch their semifinal match against Germany from the stands.

Michael Jordan Knee Brace medal - When MJ was at his peak, every pick-up hoop game in America had at least one guy who put an elastic sleeve over his left knee to look like Mike. In that vein, I think we are going to see a lot more of the Rorshach ink blot tape sported by American beach volleyballer Kerri Walsh. Neither of these fashion innovations will add a centimeter to your vertical leap, but has fashion ever been about results? Silver medal in this category to Michael Phelps, whose double-swim cap tactic has already been endorsed by safe swim advocates from the World Health Association.

Unnecessary Sunglasses medal

- So many contenders here, but I'm going with The Gambia's flag bearer, Badou Jack, who rocked the shades at the Opening Ceremony. Sadly, Jack's future was not so bright as he bowed out in the first round of the boxing competition the very next day. Worst in this category belongs to Jeremy Wariner, whose translucent wraparounds could not obscure the bitterness in his face as he came in second for the silver emdal in the 400 meters.

Fashion Emergency Humanitarian medal - When Swedish swimmer Therese Alshammar's suit ripped just before the 100 meter final, American Dara Torres had the officials delay the start for a few minutes until Alshammar was ready. For this act of sportsmanship, Torres gets an FPM medal, although some may beg to differ.

Form Over Function medal - Francoise Mbango Etone won the gold medal in triple jump despite competing at an aerodynamic disadvantage while wearing a skirt.

I am sure there were many, many other favorites that I omitted, but there's only so much time and bandwidth, and, hey, that's what the comments section is for. One World, One Dream!

Photos via Getty Images