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Oilers’ injury troubles due to poor team chakra: Edmonton columnist

Harrison Mooney
Puck Daddy

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The Edmonton Oilers have seen their fair share of bad luck with injuries. Even this season, they wound up having to start the year without a top-six center after Ryan-Nugent Hopkins underwent shoulder surgery in the summer and then Sam Gagner took a Zack Kassian stick to the face, breaking his jaw.

But what if it's more than bad luck? What if it's bad energy -- a bad team chakra?

Considering the analytical bent of the Oilogosphere, this would have gone completely unnoticed. Team chakra isn't going to show up in the even-strength corsi numbers.

Fortunately, Edmonton Journal columnist Jason Gregor was brave enough to consider this possibility, and then write a whole newspaper column about it -- also brave.

Noting that the Oilers' man-games lost since 2006-07 is 1,840, well above the league average of 1,574 over that span, and that several of those injuries are of the "freak" variety, Gregor decided it was time to look at alternative options.

From the Edmonton Journal:

Diane Vander Haak is a practitioner for healing touch. She’s worked with humans, animals, businesses and even arenas.

“I would use tuning forks to clear the energy,” Vander Haak said. “There is also an oil I would use called Abundance. It is for competitive people and it magnifies the clear intention to help manifest the heart’s desire to perform.”

How do you get rid of stagnant energy in a dressing room?

“The Oilers could use what is called a space clearing,” said Vander Haak. “I presume they have stagnant energy in that room.”

Well, yeah. He's called Ales Hemsky. I and many others have long suspected he was an evil spirit, and now I'm more convinced than ever.

This is good news for Canucks fans, who are worried that John Tortorella's love for shot-blocking is going to lead to more injuries for the Canucks. Turns out it's not being hit with vulcanized rubber travelling at 90 miles per hour that gets you hurt: it's stagnant energy.

For what it's worth, the Oilers have already done a space clearing. In September, Dallas Eakins remodeled the dressing room, removing a lot of the stuff from the Oilers' winningest decade, in order to ground the team in the present. But he didn't go far enough, clearly. He didn't break out the big guns, and by big guns, I mean the om forks.

"If I could touch them with my om forks, I could help get their fluid flowing through their spinal cord and up to their brain," Vander Haak is quoted as saying.

That could definitely work. Om fork therapy is a completely under-utilized recovery method.

And as for that oil, Abundance, I think the Oilers should try it. After all, their name is the Oilers. Why aren't they trying all the oils? Be who you are, fellas.

If it works, they should change their team name to Oilers of Abundance.

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