(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers who hated them the most. Here are Puck Daddy all-star eulogists The Pensblog, fondly recalling the 2013-14 Boston Bruins.Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)
BY THE PENSBLOG
Good day, friends, enemies, Bruins fans. It's been a while since we've been on these hallowed grounds. The last time we graced this corner of the Internet, we were burying the 2013 New York Rangers.
As usual, let's just get this out of the way: the following eulogy isn't funny, everyone could've done it better, we forgot to mention Matt Bartkowski's lack of talent, and we totally forgot to make fun of the Boston accent.
And with that, it's time to put this hapless 2013-2014 Bruins team and its "strong" fan base 6 feet underground. The marathon regular season that brought the Bruins the President's Trophy is now completely meaningless, and that's hilarious. They've been eliminated from the playoffs by one of their biggest rivals, the Montreal Canadiens, a team with a real fan base, a real organization that respects the national anthems and doesn't trot out a lounge singer whose forced enthusiasm has reached the level of actors in Levitra commercials.
It's always hard for Bruins fans when the hockey season comes to an end. Bruins hockey is a staple of a Bostonian's everyday life, right alongside having erotic thoughts about Larry Bird, watching Mark Wahlberg movies, and standing in line at bars to listen to the Dropkick Murphys. On the bright side, the loss of this Bruins team means residents of Boston can now go take in a game at that trash can Fenway Park and root for David Ortiz as he shoots horse steroids into himself.
When we fantasized about burying this Bruins team and its entitled fan base, we knew we'd need help. Since Puck Daddy is one of the most influential blogs on the internet, Greg was able to get us access that we could not have gotten otherwise. He put us in touch with Bruins players, celebrities, you name it.
Our first step was to reach out to the cesspool of the Bruins fan base. They were initially on board to give us some quotes, but when we told them that Yahoo! uses black font, they no longer wanted to take part.
As far as bloggers go, no Bruins blogger was available. They were all hard at work writing a blog they could send to Bill Simmons.
Barstool Sports and Masshole Sports took the loss in stride and are already defending the next murderer to play for the Patriots. The group over at Days of Y'Orr are just shouting random things at the sun, so we don't want to poke that bear.
So we moved on to the players...
Our first mission was to reach out to the Bruins' heart-and-soul leader, Shawn Thornton. We spoke slowly and asked him if he could draw a picture of what this past season meant to him.
- We lucked out and got a face-to-face with Loui Eriksson, but he had his head down the whole time and we couldn't make out what he was saying.
- How about a comment from Ray Bourque? Seems easy enough, but we accidentally sent the interview request to his Colorado address.
When a team passes, we should also take the time to celebrate and remember the good times. All sports teams have a few celebrity fans, and the Bruins fans this year were able to wrangle up a big name:
- Born to be a Bruins fan.
We're about halfway through the eulogy at this point, and in honor of Bobby Orr, we were thinking about quitting. But we will soldier on and not make excuses.
Bruins "great" and now team president Cam Neely ignored our repeated requests, so we decided to get into his e-mail account. "morepeopleknowmeasseabassthancamneely69" as a password made it a little too easy.
After that ride through Cam Neely's e-mails, we got in touch with Jack Edwards, who we respect, interestingly enough. He's the only NHL play-by-play who is a bigger homer than the Penguins' Paul Steigerwald, and that takes a lot of hard work and dedication.
If you look around you today, you'll see that family members have put up yearbook pictures of Bruins players from their high-school days. We don't know exactly why.
Unless you've been under a rock this week, you know that Milan Lucic was a petulant baby in the handshake line with the Canadiens. He told the Excellence of Execution, Dale Weise, "I'm going to [expletive] kill you next year."
Something told us we've seen him do that before. We called his mom and had her send along his greatest hits:
If you want real talk, Jarome Iginla was Boston's best player in the playoffs. It's borderline impossible to even attempt to bury Jarome Iginla, so we won't even try. Zdeno Chara is on the ice for half the game; nothing really to say about him, either.
Tuukka Rask is a giant baby who choked under the pressure again. At least he spaced the goals out in the elimination game this year.
All of the other no-name Bruins defensemen don't warrant any mention, and they are terrible. Speaking of Bruins defensemen, all Boston people talk about how great Bobby Orr is. Well, we have some bad news for you. The Advanced Stats, something Boston fans think they invented, paint the picture. Here are Orr's advanced stats:
Honestly have to wonder if Orr was using PEDs. And last but not least, Joe Haggerty responded to us. Multiple times. He randomly sent us a high-school pic, too.
Joe asked if he could finish the eulogy but warned it was late for him.
I wanted to let everyone know how much I love P.K. Subban and how they win beat the Coyotes in the East Finals in intensity. Even Harrison Mooney will agree about Wayne Gretzky in the clutch-and-grab era. Dragons.
I will miss this Bruins team for the following reasons.
1. They won the President's Trophy.
3. Len Bias' 8-ball parties.
And that's it. There's really not much else to say. The Bruins were beat by the model Original Six franchise. The Montreal Canadiens weren't afraid of the Big Bad (slow) Bruins. They played with pride, heart, and patriotism -- all things the city of Boston has never possessed.
Boston Strong, Milan?
Get over it, Bruins fans.
(P.K. -- we mean P.S. -- We are taking this opportunity on the hockey Internet's biggest stage to acknowledge Bruins fan @myregularface, who has supplied everyone with nonstop GIFs throughout the playoffs. It's been a heroic effort, and we're no doubt speaking for every hockey fan when we say thank you.)
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