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Behold ‘Ex-Head Coach’, Harrison Mooney’s song for sexually charged bench bosses (Video)

It's not often that you hear an NHL coach say something compelling. It happens from time to time, of course, but most bench bosses these days simply swallow their disdain for the inquiring media and fire back a string of bland, uninteresting cliches. There's little in these phrases to really captive an audience.

Or so you'd think. As it turns out, if you sing these phrases softly over a smooth beat, you have the recipe for a pretty sexy slow jam. As a demonstration, I present to you the following song, inspired by R. Kelly's "Genius" (a song about how good R. Kelly is at sex, like all his other songs).

Friends, this is "Ex-Head Coach".

And that's how coaches do it.

Many thanks to Bryan Binnema, who continues to indulge my musical ideas and bring them to life with his insane talent, and Mark Yuen, who remains a fantastic director. Thanks to Cam Charron as well for giving up his bedroom as the setting for this abomination, and Amie Nguyen for agreeing to play opposite me in the video.

Here are the lyrics to this decidedly unsexy nonsense:

Body so freaking clutch
I'm generating off the rush
You got me like la la la la la babe
Going hard to the net babe

Heading out to set the tone
Clogging up your neutral zone
You got me like la la la la la baby
My PP unit's so crazy

Marvel at my zone deployment
Dump and chase I don't enjoy it
I'm Mike Babcock, I want to possess you like it's Detroit

Speech from "Miracle" up in this room
I'm inspiring you

I'm blessed with the insight to win at hockey
Girl tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach
Getting it deep and I'm taking the body
Girl tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach

Baby girl, it is what it freakin is
We're finishing our chances
Got each other like la la la la la baby
We're bringing our "A" game baby

Fighting for it on the wall
Gonna score a greasy goal
The music says la la la la la my baby
My shot's so heavy baby

I'll be good to you promise
While respecting the process
Feeling good, my compete level's up
Gonna work down low in my office

Active sticks and jam up in this room
While I'm pleasing you
I'm blessed with the insight to win at hockey
Girl tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach

Getting it deep and I'm taking the body
Girl tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach
I'm blessed with the insight to win at hockey
Girl tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach

I been on the panel between Dreger and Duthie
Cause tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach
I know you've heard it all before
But trust the system, play smart, play the system real smart

Hard works beats talent when talent doesn't work hard
Tonight I'll be like Claude Noel
And last way longer than I should
I'm a Jack Adams winner, I'm the Paul MacLean of sex

I began in the minors but you got me in the bigs
Speech from "Miracle" up in this room
I'm inspiring you

I'm blessed with the insight to win at hockey
Girl tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach
Looking for a genius baby I'm your Scotty Bowman
But tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach

I'm blessed with the insight to win at hockey
Girl tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach
Ask me to leave and my assistant takes over
Cause tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach

I'm blessed with the insight to win at hockey
Girl tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach
Getting it deep and I'm taking the body
But tonight you're lying with an ex-head coach

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Harrison Mooney is the associate editor for Puck Daddy on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at puckdaddyblog@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter!

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