The National Hockey League licenses thousands of products each year, ranging from the awesome (logos on toast!) to the unsatisfactory (pretty much anything tailored for women).
Among those items: Gnomes. Creepy, freaky little gnomes that retail for $24.99.
We're not talking about the staid, traditional Tolkien-esque gnomes that were available for events like the Winter Classic. We're talking about what would happen if those gnomes decided to drink Dr. Jekyll's elixir and morphed into Hockey Mr. Hydes. They're all not as cool as the St. Louis Blues one up top, which may actually be Darren Pang under all of that disguise.
Here are 10 of the creepiest gnomes available from the NHL. And their creepy hollowed out animal skin frocks.
And here … we … go.
Turns out that when Jean-Claude Van Damme murdered Iceburgh … oh, sorry, "killed it in self defense" during "Sudden Death", its pelt was preserved and turned into a fancy hat for a gnome who looks like Donald Sutherland. This makes us sad on several levels.
Cross-dressing aside with the tourist shop Liberty crown, the bite of the apple would indicate that our gnomish friend is able to unhinge his jaw in an extra-terrestrial way. We're also a little disturbed by whatever substance the helmet and pucks are marinating in, being that we've probably stepped over said substance pooled next to a homeless man on a Manhattan sidewalk at some point.
8. Chicago Blackhawks
The Blackhawks, of course, have a Native American theme to their team nickname, but in 2012 that becomes a bit of a sticky wicket when creating a similarly thematic gnome. In theory, this should be a headdress and war paint. In reality, it appears he's being devoured by the exploding crow from "Angry Birds".
7. Boston Bruins
Not really sure what they were going for here, but they've perfectly captured the look of a gnome with a bear on its head getting surprised by the crew of To Catch a Predator. "Why don't you have a seat, Smokey?"
This one just struck us because we never realized how cartoonishly goofy the Predators' mascot was. Previously, we saw it as a savage beast that could tear flesh with its mighty fangs. Here it looks like something The Last Airbender would ride to escape the Fire Lord.
Turn him into an awesome gnome shark? No, why do that when you can offer the world the creep-tastic joy of giant, three-toed gnome feet? (Incidentally, we hear Douglas Murray was the model for said feet.)
We boo this one because it's obvious the designers wanted to hit happy hour and call it a gnome. "Flames … eh, [expletive] it, we'll just light'em on fire." While seeing a gnome's flesh sizzling — combined with the look of utter shock on his face — offers us some catharsis, we're turned off by the laziness of it all. What's next? The Edmonton Oilers gnome that looks like a seagull after the Exxon Valdez?
The Boston Bruins make this list twice because … well, Leahy saw this one and immediately made a clever joke about the Phoenix Coyotes (something about the broken stick and the Goldwater Institute). I pointed out the Bruins shirt to him, and the only conclusion we cold draw was that the designers felt there was no market for a Coyotes gnome, flipped some of the color scheme and created a terrible looking Bruins model.
In order to really understand how horrifying this octopus-eats-gnome figurine is, you have to see the second version that was released. Perhaps they misjudged the market for bearded humans being murdered by maniacal sea creatures. It's actually quite small, and centered around the eventual demise of director James Cameron.
Yes, the Flyers' gnome is the only one with a black eye and a tooth missing. All the better to eat those mutant hot dogs that we suppose are intended to be cheesesteaks. Black eyes and cheesesteaks, Philly. That's how they see you. But hey, be thankful for small miracles: Nary a battery or a Santa-seeking snowball in sight. Maybe that's in the next release, along with a phone dialed into WIP to complain about Andy Reid.
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