When will YOUR city host the Super Bowl?

The NFL has just completed its latest rounds as Super Bowl Santa, dispensing game dates to Atlanta, South Florida and Los Angeles while leaving NFL-branded coal in the stockings of Tampa and New Orleans. It's surely just a coincidence that Atlanta, Los Angeles, and 2018 host Minnesota will have brand-spankin'-new stadiums and South Florida is spending hundreds of millions on renovations. Just a coincidence. Anyway, all this talk about Super Bowls surely has you thinking, "hey, great for them, but what about ME? When do we get a Super Bowl in our fair city, huh?"

Glad you asked. Let's take a look at every NFL city and see when you can expect the NFLstravaganza to show up near you.

Arizona (Last hosted in 2015): Warm weather, a modern stadium, all appropriate amenities nearby, and pesky politics settled make Phoenix a safe and sanitized choice, the comfort food of Super Bowl sites. Should get one by 2026.

Atlanta (2000): Slated to hold the Super Bowl in 2019, and then again in 2025 when the Falcons tear down their "dated, aged" four-year-old dome to create a Monstro Ultra Megadome to lure the Super Bowl back.

Baltimore (Never hosted): The 2030 Super Bowl selection choice will be between Miami, Atlanta, New Orleans, and Los Angeles, and Baltimore will somehow sneak in and vulture it away, because that’s how Charm City rolls.

Buffalo (Never hosted): Let’s be honest, the idea of a Super Bowl played in snow would absolutely rock for TV viewers. But TV viewers aren’t the ones pulling the strings, and NFL owners don’t want to pack heavy coats when they can pack pleated shorts. Sorry, Buffalo. We will eat your wings, though.

Charlotte (Never hosted): Oh, it’s gotta be burning the Queen City up that all of its NFC South brethren get Super Bowls within about a decade of each other. Enough to build a gilt-edged Dabbin’ Palace to bring the Big Show to town? That’s the cost of entry, Charlotte.

Chicago (Never hosted): Forget the wintry location and the three-hour airport security line wait times. Chicago loves nothing more than to tell you they don’t want your little Super Bowl, so don’t even bother asking. (They want you to ask, though, just so they can say no.)

Cincinnati (Never hosted): True fact: Cincinnati would’ve hosted eight Super Bowls by now were it not for the city’s attachment to that horrid chocolate-and-spaghetti-based Skyline Chili. That’s kept Cincy off the ballot every year. [Edit: Cincy fans tell me the chili also has cinnamon in it. Still not the selling point they think it is.]

Cleveland (Never hosted): The NFL will award Cleveland the 2029 Super Bowl, whereupon Cleveland will trade the game to Philadelphia for draft picks.

Dallas (2011): Ol’ Jerry’s gotta be itchin’ for another Super Bowl, and if he can’t take his team there, by golly he’ll wrestle another one to the JerryDome, probably by 2024 at the latest.

Denver (Never hosted): Oh sure, the area is covered with a blanket of snow from Labor Day to the Fourth of July NOW, but you wait till global warming really kicks in and this’ll be a perfect site for 2032.

Detroit (2006): No more new Super Bowls until you clean up that mess you left at the Silverdome, Detroit.

Green Bay (Never hosted): Imagine a Super Bowl in the very heart of football country, a contest of champions in the one true football town, the land of Lombardi and Starr and Favre and HA HA HA now wake up because there’s no way they’re ever gonna play Super Bowl in anything resembling “frozen tundra.”

Houston (2004): Our very next Super Bowl will be played in Houston. But the city won’t get another until it brings the Texans’ home up to par with the Lone Star State’s multimillion-dollar high school stadiums.

Indianapolis (2012): The NFL will commemorate the election of President Peyton Manning in 2032 by awarding the next Super Bowl his old ballclub.

Jacksonville (2005): Beautiful beaches, great golf, and warm weather would seem to make Jacksonville an ideal Super Bowl location, but it’s much easier for the NFL and jaded media to dump on the city as a small-market wannabe. Sorry, Jacksonville. You’ll get one in 2033. At least you’ll win half a dozen between now and then.

Kansas City (Never hosted): The delicious barbecue isn’t enough to offset that wicked three-state wind coming across the plains. But barbecue AND a lot of beer? That could work. Let’s say 2036.

Los Angeles (1993): The NFL rewarded Stan Kroenke with a Super Bowl in 2021 for his new Kroenkeplex, which means it’ll give him another one in 2034 when he moves back to St. Louis.

Miami (2010): Scheduled for 2020, will host again in 2028 when the statute of limitations for most crimes committed in 2020 will have run out.

Minnesota (1992): The 2018 Super Bowl will take place in Minneapolis, and it will not return to the Frozen North until Minnesota puts a dome over the whole damn state.

New England (Never hosted): Will host the Super Bowl in 3572, or just after the last deflate-gate arguments have been exhausted, whichever comes last.

New Orleans (2013): Simply the greatest Super Bowl site there is, and yet the NFL still refuses to return there until a new stadium arrives. Once it does—in, say, 2027—there will be calls to play every Super Bowl there. These calls should be heeded.

New York (2014): Will get the Super Bowl in 2031, so a good decade-and-a-half of New Jerseyites complaining that “it’s not in New York!” awaits us.

Oakland (Never hosted): The Oakland Raiders are less a football team and a more a human rights violation, so there’s zero chance a Super Bowl is ever coming to Oakland. But should the Raiders move to Vegas, well, the Super Bowl will follow shortly thereafter, as will five dozen terrible heist movies, TV shows, and novels based on the event.

Philadelphia (Never hosted): The nation’s surliest sports fans surrounding the NFL’s crown jewel? What could possibly go wrong? I want this to happen just to see some Philly mook spray Cheez-Wiz on the Lombardi Trophy.

Pittsburgh (Never hosted): Pittsburgh’s stadiums (stadia?) have some of the most telegenic views in all of sports, and would make for a lovely viewing experience. But as for the likelihood of a Super Bowl ever coming this way? See: Buffalo.

San Diego (2003): The math is pretty simple, San Diego: pay for a billion-dollar palace and get the 2022 Super Bowl. Or be fiscally responsible and get the one scheduled for the fifth of never. Your choice.

San Francisco (2016): This year’s game came off well enough despite being held over an area the size of New England. The area will get the Super Bowl again by 2027, which is right about the time that the last fans trying to get into this year’s game will arrive at the stadium.

Seattle (Never hosted): Until the NFL gets the ability to control the weather—and don’t think plans aren’t already in motion for that—there’s very little chance the Super Bowl will head to the gloomy Pacific Northwest anytime soon. Fish markets in February just don’t warm the cockles of the NFL’s heart, you know?

Tampa (2009): Another flawless host city that doesn’t have a jewel of a new stadium. Look for Tampa to reroute billions into building a new one to lure a Super Bowl by 2028. You don’t need a fire department AND a police department, right?

Tennessee (Never hosted): Southern location? Check. Never hosted a Super Bowl? Check. Stadium nearing 20 years old? Check. You watch, once Tennessee gets its ownership situation sorted out, this will be your next stadium-for-Super-Bowl deal, probably by 2024.

Washington (Never hosted): Daniel Snyder wants to build a Super Bowl-bait stadium to get the 2027 game. The NFL will watch him do that, reject him, then watch him build another one, and reject him again just because they can.

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Jay Busbee is a writer for Yahoo Sports and the author of EARNHARDT NATION, on sale now at Amazon or wherever books are sold. Contact him at jay.busbee@yahoo.com or find him on Twitter or on Facebook.