If the Dolphins cut Chad Johnson, he’ll pursue a career in pornography

At a training camp press conference on Wednesday, Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson was in a mood. He says that training camp is going well — "----ing awesome," actually, is how he put it — and I hope that's true, because if he doesn't make the team, his next job will be gross.

I'm sure that's exactly what every new bride wants to hear.

We have all, in the past, been impressed by Chad's explosiveness, but I hope this is something we can keep on the football field. I'm a Chad Johnson fan and all, but I just don't want to know him like that.

I understand that it sounds more appealing to be covered by Lexi Belle and Jenna Haze, as opposed to Darrelle Revis and Devin McCourty, but I'm not sure the lifestyle is as glamorous as it's made out to be. I don't know what it is, but there's something that makes all porno guys look off-putting and ghoulish, and I'm guessing it isn't uncommonly pleasant working conditions.

Also, I know these things because I read them in a magazine. Probably The Atlantic or The Paris Review, because that's how I choose to entertain myself.

Anyway, adult film-making isn't Chad's only off-field activity outside of football. When asked about his black fingernail polish, he mentioned another away-from-football hobby.

Great. I can't think of a healthier offseason regimen than sex with porn stars and smoking weed with Gene Simmons. Chad should be primed for a huge year.

Gracias, Sportress of Blogitude.

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