Sad college football letters to Santa are finally revealed

Christmas is the one time of year when we ask for all of our dreams to come true. It’s a time when miracles happen – even in college football.

We here at Dr. Saturday (after a well-timed Freedom of Information request) were able to obtain some letters various people in college football wrote to Santa in an effort to make 2013 better than 2012.

Some of these are just downright sad. Begging and pleading the jolly fat man for his help to win football games, but for some teams and conferences, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Here’s a look at what we found:

Mr. Claus and Elves,

OK, so we want to actually be able to play football in 2013. We’ve had some trouble keeping all of our membership together the past couple years and there have been rumors that we may cease to exist as a football conference after 2013. Anything you can do about that? I mean, we really want to play. We'll play with six members if we have to, but we hope it doesn't come to that.

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Also, Boise State and San Diego State are getting a little annoyed that we haven’t added any other teams from the West, so we’d really like Fresno State and UNLV to come join our conference.

Oh, and we’d like a new name. One that represents our identity as a conference. So yeah, I guess we need an identity, too.

Thanks for your time and we look forward to a bright future for the Big Whatever you want to call us,

Mike Aresco, Big East Commissioner

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Dear Santa,

The Texas media and fans won’t leave me alone about Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III,

Ryan Tannehill and Johnny Manziel. They’re all from Texas and I didn’t land any of them. Three of those quarterbacks are starting in the NFL as rookies and the other is the first freshman to win the Heisman Trophy. So I’d love for some answers at quarterback underneath my tree this year.

We’ve had to yank sophomore David Ash in and out of the lineup all year. We said Ash would start the Alamo Bowl, but it says all you need to know that we actually had to announce it. If we could get some better play at quarterback in my stocking, maybe they’d all stop harassing me about wanting Manziel to play safety. And if you need more gift ideas, I’ve got a request about this Longhorn Network problem.

Hook ‘em,

Mack Brown

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Dear Santa,

We’d like the right coach. We thought we were on the right track with Lane Kiffin and then he left us for a USC team that was under NCAA sanctions. Then we went with history and hired Vince Dooley’s kid, Derek. Well, that was a disaster, too. Now we’ve gone after another up-and-comer in Butch Jones and we have to get this right or things could turn very ugly in Knoxville. I mean, people paint crazy things on The Rock. We used to be a good, proud program that won lots of games and bowls. Now, we don’t even go to bowls. So, we’d really just like a coach that actually works and wins and stays.

Oh, we’d also like all of our good players to reconsider leaving for the NFL. How are we supposed to get better if all of our talent is jumping ship? That’s it. We’re not asking for much.

Thanks,

Every Tennessee fan

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Dear Santa,

We didn’t have a good year here up in the Big Ten, and we think we figured it out. We aren’t getting many good recruits. On the AP All-American team, there were 75 players listed on three teams and we had only seven Big Ten players on those teams.

Since you were probably watching better conferences this season and didn’t notice, here’s the rundown. On the first team was Wisconsin’s Montee Ball, a somewhat questionable first-team pick and a senior, and Michigan offensive lineman Taylor Lewan, a junior who might go to the NFL. Nebraska junior guard Spencer Long, Ohio State’s Johnathan Hankins, a junior who has already declared for the NFL draft, Purdue senior defensive tackle Kawann Short, and sophomore Ohio State cornerback Bradley Roby -- a redshirt who is reportedly weighing a decision to go to the NFL -- were on the second team. Ohio State senior defensive end John Simon was on the third team.

So there’s a possibility only one player from those teams returns to us next season, and it’s an offensive guard. Sure, we have talented players like Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner, Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller, Wisconsin linebacker Chris Borland and Michigan State running back Le’Veon Bell that could all be back (and if we can get a second gift, make sure they all come back?), but some commitments from four- and five-star players would be swell.

Appreciate it,

The Big Ten

[Also: The best and most remarkable of the bowl gift season]

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Dear Santa,

Here at the BCS we only have one more year before the playoff, and we’d love to go out with some better matchups next season. This season was a bunch of coal. We have two games with double-digit point spreads that nobody seems too interested in watching, and another game includes the first five-loss team to make a Rose Bowl. The Fiesta and BCS title games are intriguing, but we’re college football’s marquee series of games! And we don’t have one matchup among the five that is less than a 6 1/2-point spread. If the elves can make us some better matchups for the end of the 2013 season, it would be a happier holiday. For everyone.

Signed,

The BCS Bowls

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Santa,

We’ve been good for years, so why do we keep getting on the naughty list? Is it because of what we did to the WAC? That was just business and had nothing to do with any issues with Karl Benson. Look, all we want this year is for Boise State and San Diego State to reconsider their decision to leave us for the Big East. If they come back to us, it can be just like it was and we can continue to stay relevant in football. There’s no one else for us to add now that the WAC is gone and we’re running out of options. We need good teams or else we'll be like the Sun Belt and I'll be like Karl Benson ... Who's awesome and I respect. Totally.

Sincerely,

Craig Thompson, Mountain West Commissioner

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Dear Santa,

You must not have heard our wishes a few weeks ago, or else Stanford’s Zach Ertz wouldn’t

have been ruled in bounds and we wouldn’t have lost in overtime. That killed our national title dreams, you know. Things are not looking so nice here in Eugene, Santa. Chip Kelly might leave us for the NFL. He’s a hot candidate, if you haven’t heard. And now the NCAA committee of infractions is going to talk to us. That’s never good. We’re worried the NCAA is going to hand down bad news and Coach Kelly is going to pull a Pete Carroll on us and be in the NFL when it comes down. For Christmas, can you just let us keep our magical ride going? Or at least give us Chris Petersen if Coach Kelly leaves?

Signed,

Oregon football fans

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Dear Santa,

Um, I’m not sure this will go through since it seems like none of my letters seem to ever get answered, but I was wondering if you could bring us a winning season and perhaps a bowl game? I know that’s a lot to ask, but it’s been so long since we’ve had anything positive in this program that I’m worried that the positive days are behind us. Remember when you gave us a national championship in 1990 (we won't talk about the fifth down against Missouri)? Yeah, those were good times. Let's do it again! OK, maybe that’s asking for a lot off the bat, but a six or seven-win season in 2013? You can swing that. I really like our new coach Mike MacIntyre and I really don’t want to have to fire him in 2014. That might look bad.

Thanks a bunch,

Mike Bohn, Colorado athletic director

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Dear Santa,

We know you see who’s been naughty and nice, and we’ve been nice all year! Up here in the MAC we have seven bowl teams, and a pair ranked in the top 25. That’s as many ranked teams as the ACC and more than the Big East. And what did we get? Scrooge Herbstreit screaming about how awful it was that Northern Illinois play in a BCS game. Bah humbug. We need respect, and know the only way to get that is with some bowl wins. Toledo blew a gift-wrapped bowl win already, so that didn’t help. If you could just bring some bowl wins for the holidays, we’d be happy. We’ll promise to keep playing those crazy Wednesday games we know you love up at the North Pole.

Signed,

The MAC (#MACtion)

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Dear Santa,

You’ve been so good to me this year. I mean, we won 10 games, I was named Player of the

Year by a bunch of people and the Heisman Trophy winner, so what could I possibly want? Um, just don’t let it end. Look, I’ve been on the "Tonight Show," David Letterman, my face has been in Times Square and there are a ton of hot girls wanting to hang out with me. I’m even sitting courtside at Mavericks games and LeBron James wants to come watch me play. I just don’t want to go back to being the guy who posed without his shirt in a mugshot back in July. I want to be Johnny Heisman forever. Can we work out a deal? I’ll stay out of bar fights if you keep the hot girls, basketball tickets and media requests coming? Look, all I’m asking is that you keep me away from the sophomore slump … And maybe some more Instagram followers. I'm really loving this social media thing.

Gig’em,

Johnny “Football” Manziel

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