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Dunk History: Some of our friends' favorite dunks, Vol. 3

Dunk History: Some of our friends' favorite dunks, Vol. 3

As the summer wears on, with training camps and preseason play still off in (what feels like) the distant future, we turn our attention to the past. Join us as we while away a few late-summer moments recalling some of the most scintillating slams of yesteryear, the most thunderous throwdowns ever to sear themselves into our memories. This is Dunk History.

Today, we ask some of our favorite dunk enthusiasts in various entertainment realms to share stories about their favorite throwdowns of yore. Please check the italicized short bios for more information about our contributors!

Andy Haynes

Andy Haynes is a comedian working out of Los Angeles, he has appeared on ‘Conan’ and you can buy his album here. You can also follow him @iamandyhaynes.

I had forgotten what my favorite dunk was. Since Seattle lost the SuperSonics, which was before they actually left the city, I have bounced around supporting different teams in the Western Conference. The Blazers during Rasheed Wallace's era, Kings for White Chocolate and Bibby, the Suns when they were made up of a Canadian, Brazilian, Frenchman, and more. Now I'm a Lakers fan, cause I live in LA, and I'd rather support a struggling dynasty than the Clippers, like every other transplant.

But in 1996, when I was in 8th grade, the Sonics were the greatest team that never was. MacMillan, Schrempf, Payton, Perkins, and the "Reign Man" Shawn Kemp had finally found a kind of unstoppable formula under their guru George Karl. It seemed like every year prior to this we got knocked out of the playoffs by stupid Dan Majerle shooting a three at the buzzer. But this year was different. We were in the finals, versus the Bulls. Us, little weird eclectic Seattle. Our team of unknowns versus Jordan, Rodman and Pippen. Were maybe gonna put another banner up next to the 1978-79 Championship.

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Before he was known for how many illegitimate kids he had, Shawn Kemp was an anomaly of raw talent. Straight into the NBA from high school, when that was nearly unheard of, he was also one of the least paid (probably why he couldn't afford all the child support for his 13 children). And he was ours. Sure we had Griffey, and sure we had had Largent and the Boz, but Kemp was one of the best in the league, and he was pure Sonics. Every kid in the school district had his name on their back.

I don't remember everything about the series, but I remember the "of course we did" conceit of the city, when we lost the first three of the series. It's Seattle, we're very fatalistic. But when we won game four, and then dominated game five, it seemed like we'd have a chance. We lost in game six, of course, but there was a moment in game five, where Kemp backed down Rodman and reversed dunked on him, hanging on long enough to "accidentally' [make himself somewhat intimate with] the modern father of [feminine hygiene product-it is] , where we all kind of felt like contenders.

For once, Seattle was able to bully someone. And our hometown hero was able to showboat in a way that we Seattleites almost never do. Now know for Macklemore (who I went to high school with) and Richard Sherman, it was kind of a great time to be a kid and a greater moment in our passive little city's history.

David Stassen

David Stassen is a writer and producer who is currently working on writing a movie about a female NBA coach; to be played by Amy Poehler. You can follow him @davidstassen.

The dunk was perfect. It is perfect. It tells a story about America's two greatest cities.

Scottie Pippen catches the ball on the wing, turns in a little bit and takes off. He braces for battle with his left arm, cocks the ball back and throws it down over Patrick Ewing with graceful violence. Chicago Stadium goes nuts. Six high school kids in my parents' TV room also lose their minds.

And then the exclamation point. The moment that had us rabid teenage Bulls fans screaming, hitting each other and high-fiving. Pippen lands, Ewing falls backwards, and with a little help from a Scottie shove, Patrick lands on his ass. But Scottie isn't done, he keeps walking forward, his crotch passing over Ewing's face in a most disrespectful way. Back then you couldn't rewind television but we all somehow committed every nuance of that play to our memories.

It wasn't just the greatness of that dunk over the 7-foot legend of our most hated rival that brought my friends and me to a place of pure sports bliss. It was 1994 and Jordan was off playing baseball. Chicago had fallen back into that unspoken "we're not as good as New York" syndrome. And in one brief fast break, Pippen, the Second City to Jordan's Manhattan, had told Chicago, "I got this."

 

Eric Edelstein

Eric Edelstein is a character actor which is Hollywood's term for a backup center. He does a lot of improv work, a skill honed while serving as Gonzaga Basketball's television play by play announcer from 1997-2000. Since moving to Hollywood he has amassed an interesting career playing stoners, killers, and most notably "the guy you know is going to die in this movie." He has been seen in "Jurassic World," "Parks and Recreation," "Shameless," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Drunk History," "We Bare Bears," and the upcoming "Green Room" to name a few of the cool ones. He is still mad at Michael Jordan denying him an autograph when he was 12. You can follow him @ericjedelstein.

It's grainy footage, but that's fitting. Any discussion of Arvydas Sabonis will always turn to grainy footage. Grainy footage of a 7'3 man with Ziggy Stardust hair leading the break, dunking, and doing things that don't seem possible for someone that size. How could a man that big be that fast? That court vision? Who can we compare him too?  It's the footage Blazer fans first saw after they drafted him in 1986 and were tortured with seeing for the nine long years it took Arvydas to show up.

Getting bullied by Laimbeer and "shrugged on" by Michael, it was torturous thinking the Blazers had this mysterious Bigfoot/Bill Russell talent on the other side of the world but he couldn't help. It's the torture of a fan base that carries around the spectres of Bill Walton, Sam Bowie, and Greg Oden. What's next? A Blazer fan wouldn't bat an eye getting online and seeing a "New Blazer Plumlee involved in freak Six Flags Accident". 

But we are here to talk dunks. Dunks are special because there is violence. A team will be demoralized if you end up on the wrong side of one. In this case this was the dunk that tortured Portland every time the Blazers lost another heartbreaker, "But we have this guy. He's like a giant Ivan Drago but he can fly and he plays like Magic..."  

The dunk is question is from the 1986 FIBA World Championship and Arvydas' Russian team was matched up against David Robinson. And Muggsy Bogues. After the game Arvydas and Muggsy took a picture together. I would like that picture. Sabonis and Robinson had a helluva rivalry right during the peak of the Cold War Red Dawn era. Robinson would get him on this day in '86 but Arvydas would best him in the 1988 Olympics thus giving birth to The Dream Team. Russia fell and Arvydas' Lithuanian team would have its own team in 1992 and defeat their former Soviet occupiers to win silver.

Robinson and Sabonis played to another near standstill. The US had an eighteen point lead but the Russians came back charging and cut it to two.

Now, here's our dunk. A Soviet player launched a shot from the outside and Robinson no doubt felt he had perfect position for the rebound. Arvydas was far back in the middle of the key. The shot clanged off and then what Arvydas did will make you question your eyes. From the middle of the key he flies in, grabs the ball with one hand, jumps OVER Robinson and dunks it home.

Watch it now. Please. I need this.

 

Arvydas Sabonis is my favorite player and he's not just the guy Shaq made cry and Rasheed threw a towel at. This was someone very special we were deprived of seeing on the biggest stage. Honestly, have you ever seen a dunk quite like that? That blend of speed, size, and court savvy just doesn't happen. But it did. We have grainy footage that proves it.

The next year Arvydas tore his Achilles tendon and he would never be anywhere near the marvel you see dunking there.

(Since this is the first Dunk History/Drunk History tie-in we should add that just as impressive as that dunk is that he allegedly tore his Achilles but waved off medical attention and kept drinking. Hell, if you want to order the biggest size Vodka in Lithuania (and I imagine you do) you simply ask for "The Sabonis.")

He missed the triumphant Lithuanian medal ceremony in 1992 because he was in the women's volleyball dorm loving it. Years later he would have a heart attack and say, "Doctors told me I can't smoke, I can't drink, and I can't play basketball. All that's left is sex." I'm sorry he can't throw no-look bounce passes, drink, or bang cigs anymore but he had a hell of a damn run.

When he finally showed up in Portland people didn't have big expectations. "Oh, now you're here but where were you when Laimbeer was humiliating us?" He had torn both Achilles and was a fraction of his former self. You couldn't imagine him having much of an impact. But when he hit the court the Blazers ran their offense through him and he began throwing around jaw dropping passes. Fakes, misdirections, stuff you just hadn't seen. Bill Walton pronounced him the best passing big man ever. Yes, The Jail Blazers were embarrassing (but also kind of awesome) but gradually the team got better, got rid of most of the idiots (I loved J.R. Rider though), and Arvydas was the rock that held them together. 

There's no need to talk about the Blazers-Lakers series in 2000. No need to remember my friends howling with laughter while I screamed "He's not crying!" No need to think about Rasheed throwing a damn towel in his face.

No, I choose to think of happier times. Happier times like Arvydas getting inducted in The Hall of Fame, and being inducted by Bill Walton no less, bringing Portland's sad saga of big men to a circle. Maybe the next big man will be the one that redeems all this.

It just doesn't seem fair but in a way if any city can handle it, Portland can. A city that slogs through all that rain constantly reminding each other that you can't beat Portland in the summer. And you can't. A city that hopes the next great big man is coming and can make them forget that bittersweet feeling that comes with watching that grainy footage.

Ian Karmel

Ian Karmel, originally from Portland, is a comedian and writer who works on ‘The Late, Late Show With James Corden.’ His first stand-up comedy album comes out in November, and you can follow him @IanKarmel.

I'm not going to talk about my favorite dunk right now. Honestly, I'm not really sure that I have a favorite dunk. Shawn Kemp conquering Alton Lister and then pointing at him over and over again like Alton Lister was a sick child and Shawn Kemp just hit his third home run of the game might be the coldest thing I've ever seen on a basketball court. That dunk could be my favorite. There are probably fifteen Vince Carter dunks that I could talk myself into favoring. I'm a lifelong Trail Blazer fan, so as far as dunks that resonate with me the most emotionally, I'd have to go with watching Damian Lillard climb up some big galoot and then frowning at them so hard I feel like the corners of his mouth might touch. Really, though, I don't have a favorite dunk.

What I do have is a least favorite dunk.

I don't even really want to talk about it that much, but it's game seven of the 2000 Western Conference finals. I really don't want to talk about it – the Blazers carry a double digit lead into the fourth quarter, and 'Sheed is there and Scottie Pippen is there and Damon Stoudamire is there. Arvydas Sabonis is there, making every Portland fan SWEAR that the worst thing about the Cold War was that it delayed his arrival and offset his dominance. They were all there, in the Staples Center, and I was back in Portland – well, Beaverton if we're being honest, being fifteen years old and watching the game.

Blah blah blah, the lead diminished, I really don't want to talk about it. Then the lead was gone, but it was still close enough that you felt like if you contorted your body in furious anxiety JUST RIGHT you could will your term to win. Then punk kid/boy king/bad person Kobe Bryant drove the lane and goofed up what looked like some kind of weird scoop shot, but then bonafide basketball monster Shaquille O'Neal thundered up into the air and grabbed the ball and made it look so tiny and made me feel so tiny and then he finished the alley-oop and then the game was pretty much over, and you knew it was over, because Shaq was bounding down the court pointing into the stands like he had just hit four home runs.

His eyes were gigantic and he was screaming like a Lich King – I saw ghosts fly out of his mouth. I saw them. I saw the ghosts. I STILL SEE THOSE GHOSTS.

 

Alexis Morgan

Alexis Morgan is a writer for Bleacher Report and a host for SLAM Magazine. She’s also pretty funny on twitter at @alexiskmorgan.

Dunks are one of the best things the basketball gods have bestowed upon us mortals.

I have so many favorite jams, where do I begin? I’m obsessed with Michael Jordan’s iconic free throw line jam, Dr. J‘s cradle dunk or pretty much anytime Blake Griffin goes up to the rim. But my absolute favorite dunk of all time is by Dirk Nowitzki during this year’s NBA All-Star Game. (I may be biased because I’ve interviewed him before and he’s one of the nicest, most cooperative athletes I’ve ever met.)

Late in the second quarter, Steph Curry threw up the ball and “The Germanator” grabs it like “I really don’t want to go get it, but I’ll get it. It’s the All-Star game!” It wasn’t the prettiest dunk but the combination of the lob, the Vince Carter celebration and the bench reaction gives this one a 10 in my book.

 

Stefan Heck

Stefan Heck is a comedy writer from Vancouver, Canada. He misses the Grizzlies and is obsessed with Bryant "Big Country" Reeves. You can follow him on Twitter at @boring_as_heck, and listen to him complain about sports on his podcast, @RealGoodShow.

“Now hold on a minute,” you’re probably saying, out loud, to yourself, “How did Stefan not pick a Bryant Reeves slam dunk?” Well, I’ll tell you how. First of all, to pick just a single Bryant Reeves dunk from the library of Bryant Reeves dunks is a Sisyphean task. Whenever I think I’ve found the perfect Reeves dunk, another one comes along and knocks me on my ass. And secondly, every Bryant Reeves dunk available on YouTube looks like amateur Bigfoot footage.

So there you go. That’s why I went with the Vince Carter dunk.

Back to the dunk in question. What makes this dunk the best is how mean it is. Look how angry Carter is after he essentially destroys Frederic Weis’ livelihood. He shouldn’t be angry. If anything, he should be apologetic. I have no idea what happened to Weis after this dunk but I can only assume he joined some kind of travelling dunk circus, where children could pay a small fee to throw down vicious dunks in his face. If this is not the case, please do not correct me. I like the idea of the dunk circus.

For the purposes of this piece, let’s pretend that I’ve heard some people argue that the only way this dunk could have been more embarrassing for Weis is if Carter had slammed directly into him and he had fallen over. This is untrue. If he had fallen to the ground, a teammate would have come over to help him up. Instead, he stands there, alone, the smallest 7’2” man in the world. I assume nobody ever talked to him again, other than the guy who ran the dunk circus, of course. This dunk is wonderful, and I watch it at least once a month. You should too.

Fred Stoller

Fred Stoller is a former stand-up comedian, a writer, and an actor who has appeared on ‘Everybody Loves Raymond,’ ‘Seinfeld,’ and dozens of other television shows and feature films. You can follow him @Fred_Stoller.

I think the dunk that brought the biggest smile to me was from Spud Webb. I don't just mean him winning the Slam Dunk Contest at the All-Star Game, or some other dunks during his career (which were amazing!), but I came upon this video of him taking off his suit jacket when these players were taunting him, running toward the basket and dunking when he was 47! Still doing it! Like I said, big smile on my face, but then I realized it was some ad or something and that they probably did it a few times till he got it, but then I said, “so what?” I could never do that even if I had 409 tries, even with me on Kevin Durant's back!

Erica Spera

Erica Spera is a New York City comedian originally from Endwell, NY.  She grew up watching her father’s Alma mater Syracuse, and played forward for St. Lawrence University. You can follow her @Spericaa.

I can’t write about a dunk other than one that stems from Syracuse University. One of the highlights from my fan-career would be watching Carmelo Anthony lead the 2003 team to an NCAA Championship.

I remember being excited for the 2003 season primarily because of the recruitment of Carmelo, and I’ll never forget watching him compete in the McDonald’s All American high school dunk contest. Sure, a game time dunk is exciting, there’s nothing quite like shoving two points right in your defense’s face (I would know, I can touch the backboard on a good day). But to be 18 years old and perform in front of a packed gym, where the only open space is within the 3-point arch, that takes the focus and skill of a professional player.

Carmelo was not the crowd favorite. More than half his dunks “bombed” when it comes to a crowd reaction. Competing against Amar’e Stoudemire, a prep-to-pro player, he faced the choice of trying to ham it up for the crowd, or stick to his fundamentals and deliver consistent scores from the judges. Slowly but steadily Carmelo took the lead and switched the pressure on Amar’e to deliver an out of this world dunk to win. It was then that I knew Carmelo was probably only going to play one year at Syracuse because a guy with that level of talent and consistency was NBA bound sooner rather than later.  Fast forward, and Carmelo becomes the 3rd overall pick in the 2003 NBA draft and suddenly I’m cheering for the Nuggets." 

More Dunk History:

Shawn Kemp, Alton Lister and how memory works
Chris Webber, Charles Barkley and a poster preserved
Young Wolf Andrew Wiggins goes straight for Rudy Gobert's neck
Rajon Rondo leaps past Dwight Howard, ascends to All-Star status
Blake Griffin defines 'Mozgov,' picks up Stoudemire's mantle
Vince Carter defies gravity, belief in the 2000 Slam Dunk Contest
LeBron James rises up and Damon Jones 'gets banged on'
Dwyane Wade welcomes Anderson Varejao to his 'Kodak moment'
Paul George's 360 windmill causes stir on press row
Michael Jordan, Mel Turpin and 'Was he big enough?'
Von Wafer and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dunk
Dr. J 'jams the jinx,' makes Boston Garden sing different tune
LeBron James takes flight, sends JET to crash landing
J.R. Smith expresses himself by pulverizing Gary Neal
Some of our friends’ favorite dunks, Vol. 1
Dunk History, Season 1: Our 2014 series, collected

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Kelly Dwyer

is an editor for Ball Don't Lie on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at KDonhoops@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter!