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Closing Time: The Yankees offense bottoms out

In The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway described the sneaky onset of bankruptcy. How did it happen? “Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.”

Maybe that’s what we have with the New York Yankees, a lost offense in 2016. Gradually, this team became an old and overpriced one. And suddenly, these guys can’t hit, can’t score.

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After a couple of years in the middle of the pack in scoring, New York surged to No. 2 in runs last year. Alex Rodriguez had a glorious comeback season, Mark Teixeira conked 31 homers in 111 games, Carlos Beltran posted an .808 OPS. The Yankees were fourth in homers, fourth in slugging.

Let’s check in on the harsh reality of 2016. New York’s currently 29th in runs, only ahead of Atlanta’s wasteland offense. The Bombers aren’t bombing (26th in homers), they’re not getting on base (24th in OBP). The Yankees rank 26th in weighted on-base average, 26th in weighted runs created. New York has run a little bit, collecting 20 stolen bases (that ranks third in the majors), but that's window dressing, it can't drive your offense.

The three graybeards of the lineup (Rodriguez, Teixiera, Beltran) deserve the majority of the blame. Rodriguez pushed off to a .194/275/.444 start before landing the DL this week. Beltran has a .267 on-base and a .686 OPS. Teixeira has a .221 average and three measly home runs, though he has walked 19 times.

And it’s not as if the younger players on the roster are picking up much slack. No regular has an OPS over .800. Chase Headley is under the Mendoza Line, Didi Gregorius barely over it. Jacoby Ellsbury has seven steals, but just one homer, nine runs scored. Starlin Castro (.792 OPS) and Brian McCann (.788 OPS) have been the most reliable contributors.

There’s a good reason why the Yankees are 9-17, dead last in the American League East. And it could take a while to fix this organization, on the field and on the balance sheet.

Perhaps the warm weather of the summer and the friendly Yankee Stadium dimensions to right and right-center field will get the offense going, but in the meantime, we need to recalibrate when “New York” means on the schedule. Maybe it’s time to recalibrate the entire AL East, because Tampa Bay isn’t scoring much, either. When Kevin Gausman threw eight scoreless innings against the Yankees on Thursday night (3 H, 0 BB, 4 K, video here), was anyone surprised?

You have my Rick Porcello endorsement for Friday in The Bronx, no matter that Porcello saw the Yankees last week. Steven Wright on Sunday? I’ll try it. Some of the Royals in the coming week (Young, Medlen, Kennedy)? I’ll keep an open mind. (Don’t try to talk me into Yordano Ventura right now, however. I’m not touching that horrendous walk/strikeout rate.)

Where’s George Costanza when you need him?

• The Reds have been a mess of a different color in Cincinnati; the most bombastic problems on that team center around the horrendous bullpen (6.53 ERA, just one crummy save). But maybe the offense has found something with outfielder Adam Duvall.

Duvall knocked his fifth home run in Thursday’s victory over Milwaukee, giving him three in three games. He’s making the most of his all-or-nothing approach; he’s striking out in one third of his at-bats, and has just five walks. His average sits at .244.

The Giants knew Duvall had power — we saw all it through his minor-league days (.503 slugging, 130 homers in six seasons). Duvall came to Cincinnati in the Mike Leake trade last summer. He’s already hit 11 home runs in his brief Cincinnati career (51 games), putting up an unbalanced slash (.232/.297/.507).

You decide how badly you need the pop, and how much you can absorb a puny average. Duvall is out there if you want to kick tires, free to add in 99 percent of Yahoo leagues.

• It looks like the Elbow Gods have taken another victim. According to Yahoo's Jeff Passan, Angels right-handed pitcher Garrett Richards has a torn UCL ligament and is going to need Tommy John surgery. It’s a monster hit for the Angels, who lost Andrew Heaney a few weeks ago. Richards is obviously the team’s best pitcher.

If you’re in the market for another roto starter, perhaps J.A. Happ can help you. He cruised to an easy victory over Texas on Thursday (thanks, Toronto offense; thanks, Derek Holland), trimming his ERA to 2.50 in the process. A 1.18 WHIP is also helpful. He’s not striking out a lot of men (25 in 39.2 innings), but that’s more tolerable when you only have 10 walks.

I gave the Pirates a lot of credit for Happ’s brilliant 2015 endgame, starting with pitching coach Ray Searage. But perhaps it was also a case of Happ getting comfortable with catchers — Francisco Cervelli is one of the best pitch framers around. Toronto also has a plus backstop to work with, Russell Martin.

If you want to see where the story goes, note Happ has a couple of reasonable draws to come (at San Francisco, hello hitting pitchers; home against Tampa Bay). He's unowned in over half of Yahoo leagues.