Five lessons the 2015 Pan Am Games have taught us

1) Geese like to play chicken.

The water skiing competition had to be stopped for a time simply because the Canada Geese that were sunning themselves on the course near Ontario Place would not get out of the way. Well, they did get out of the way whenever someone like Chile's Felipe Miranda (pictured above) was roaring past them. But only just as they were roaring past them. Geese are more bold now, more cocky. It's like they know their protected status means we can't do a thing to them. Soon they'll be tossing empty beer cans on our lawns and giving us the feather as they fly by.

2) Oh Kanye-da. Mr. Kardashian is a trifle polarizing.

Hoo, boy. What makes a Canadian angry? Bank service charges. Igloo jokes. An empty tray where chocolate glazed Timbits are supposed to be. And an American headlining the closing ceremonies at the Pan Am Games, apparently. How many petitions against Kanye West's appearance did we end up with? I think we even had new petitions springing up, decrying the other petitions as not using nearly strong enough language. Kanye can make this whole thing go away if he does nothing but Loverboy covers with special surprise guests Drake and Rush. While wearing a Team Canada hockey jersey and pounding back Bloody Caesars from a Tim Hortons travel mug. Maybe bring some of the water ski geese up on stage for a shout out just to cap it.

3) International Baseball just wants it over with.

"Really. Let's just get out of here, it's enough," seems to be international baseball's attitude towards the possibility of tantric games. Canada's stirring win over the U.S. in the gold medal men's game came quickly, in extras, when - for some reason - American pitcher David Huff tried to pick Pete Orr off at first even though second base was occupied. Two errors on the play capped Canada's three run tenth, after the Americans had scored two, themselves, to take the lead. All this happened because international baseball rules call for teams to start an extra inning with runners at first and second with no outs. I believe, officially, it's called the "You know I love you, baseball, but..." rule.

4) You can't fool the cops with mannequins.

Toronto's already snarled traffic conditions were made worse when a number of lanes on major thoroughfares were hijacked as High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) lanes for the duration of the games. One enterprising commuter thought they'd pull a fast one by dressing up a couple of mannequins and propping them up in his truck, then zooming across the HOV lane on the Gardiner Expressway. As the truck passed by, the arresting officer felt the front seat passenger did not seem "lifelike," though it is arguable that since the driver believed he could use mannequins to pull this off, it is he who was actually the least lifelike of the trio. By the way, one of the mannequins had a Montreal Expos' cap on. Another tip for Kanye.

5) No one cares about the Pan Am Games, except that everyone cares about the Pan Am Games. Talk about your great comebacks in sports history. In the years leading up to this event, almost everyone who didn't work for the Pan Am Games Organizing Committee was dumping all over it like it was the target of some sort of sadistic ice bucket challenge. "It costs too much," they all cried. "It's not the Olympics, so who cares," they all asked with incredulity. "It'll cripple Toronto's already Darwinian traffic infrastructure," they all fumed. As the games of the seventeenth 'Pan Am-iad' drew near, the total collected might of a nation's yawns could have powered the sailing competition.

But, then, something else happened. Canada opened the games with a canoe-full's worth of gold medals and all of a sudden, it all meant something after all. TV numbers astounded. Tickets sales - soft as the trucked in beach volleyball sand before the games began - started heating up. The parties at Toronto's Nathan Phillips Square were a hit. The CBC went from being blasted for wasting taxpayers' money on covering a nothing event to being blasted for not covering enough of a glorious, important event. As the games draw to a close, there is even renewed talk of Toronto bidding for an Olympics in future. Not that there aren't detractors. "The Olympics cost too much," they all cry....

BONUS LESSON: Pan Am organizers put out several infographics as the games were approaching. On those graphs were such things as the number of athletes taking part (more than 6,000), the number of volunteers on hand (23,000) and the speed of an arrow shot during the archery competition. (354 km/h). One extra little tidbit they tossed in was that 37,500 rolls of toilet paper would be required. And guess what? That's enough TP to stretch from Toronto to Saint John, New Brunswick! The lesson being that if you'd like to patriotically stretch toilet paper all the way across this great land, you're going to need an Olympic-sized demand to accomplish it. And relatively light breezes from coast to coast.