Fri May 30 09:27am EDT
Before the Shutdown Corner interview with LaDainian Tomlinson, I told you that I didn't know anything about interviewing people. And if that didn't become completely clear with that interview, it's about to. Thankfully, Bears defensive tackle Tommie Harris is hysterical, and he felt like screwing with me.
Among the topics covered are Cedric Benson, poor hydration, Marilyn Manson, Jason Segel's "area," and illegal voting procedures. Be sure to check out the footnotes to get the full picture.
Tommie Harris: MJ, how are you doing?
MJD: I'm doing good, Tommie, how are you?
Tommie Harris: Good.
MJD: Thanks for taking the time, man.
Tommie Harris: Fantastic1.
MJD: Let me ask you first about the Cedric Benson situation. How is it affecting the team now?
Tommie Harris: Cedric is fantastic and improving.
MJD: Did you think that he got a raw deal from the cops, or are you taking his side?
Tommie Harris: I don't really know what happened on Cedric's deal. I haven't really been around, so I'm not really informed on the whole ordeal.
MJD: Has anything like that ever happened to you?
Tommie Harris: What did you say?
MJD: Has anything like that ever happened to you?
Tommie Harris: Dude, you're so freaking funny2. No,
that's never happened to me before. I never got my feet swept from underneath me
by a cop.
MJD*: Do you want to tell us what you're doing with Gatorade out there?
Tommie Harris: I'm doing the Gatorade Tiger.
Tommie Harris. Moonshot challenge. 3And we're informing people about hydration, and how imperative it is to our health. And dehydration is distortion of mental clarity. And you're not alright.
MJD: *Have you gotten in the long drive simulator yet and taken a shot?
Tommie Harris: No, I haven't. I'm on my way there now. I have a driver named Patrick4 that's taking forever to get me there.
MJD: Are you a golfer?
Tommie Harris: Yeah, I'm a golfer. I like to think so. I'm not as good as Tiger Woods. You know, that's my best friend. We usually golf like twice a week, but since his surgery, he's been out of the loop.
MJD: *I talked to LaDainian Tomlinson a couple of weeks ago, and he only hit like 200 yards in that thing. You think you can beat that?
Tommie Harris: I'll kill LaDainian. LaDainian- -- excuse my euphemism -- LaDainian is like my homeboy but I would really tear him up. If he only hit 200 yards in the simulator, that's so not cool.
MJD: Yeah, I was surprised. A guy like him, I thought he could go at least 250.
Tommie Harris: Right.
MJD: So what's the status with your contract right now?
Tommie Harris: My contract is ... we're in an idle position right now. So we're at a standstill, but hopefully things will move on. 5Hey, that's like the best statue ever. Patrick, you so put your car in park without stopping completely. That's so not good. Look at this statue. 6Hello?
MJD: *I'm here.
Tommie Harris: Yeah. It's so good to talk to you.
MJD: *Thanks. Do you need to go or something?
Tommie Harris: No, we're just looking at a statue and looking at the Gatorade Tiger.
MJD: Well, let me ask you this. If you could have dinner with any three people in history, who would they be, and why?
Tommie Harris: Martin Luther King.
MJD: That's a popular answer. LT said that, too.
Tommie Harris: I would love to meet Martin Luther King. Marilyn Manson.
MJD: Marilyn Manson?
Tommie Harris: 7
Tommie Harris: Hello?
Tommie Harris: 8Who ever says Marilyn Manson?9
MJD: Is that what you said?
Tommie Harris: Yeah, Marilyn Manson. Who would ever say that? People will think I'm sick if I say that. So Martin Luther King, Gandhi, and Malcolm X.
MJD: That's a nice threesome right there. What's the last movie you saw?
Tommie Harris: What's the last movie I saw? I saw, what is that, Sarah Marshall? Yeah, that was like the funniest movie ever.
MJD: Yeah, I liked that one, too. A little too much of a certain part of a guy's body in there, I thought.
Tommie Harris: Right, right. They kept showing his, you know, his area.
MJD: Yeah, I didn't need that. What's the one thing you enjoy doing that people would be surprised to hear a football player does?
Tommie Harris: I fish.
MJD: Oh yeah?
Tommie Harris: Yeah, I love fishing.
MJD: Can I ask who you voted for?
Tommie Harris: For President? I voted for Hillary and Barack.
MJD: You can't vote for both of them.
Tommie Harris: Yeah, the guy jumped out of line in front of me, and he said, "Man, just take my vote," so I had two of them.
MJD: *So you split them?
Tommie Harris: Huh?
MJD: *You split them? You went one each way?
Tommie Harris: Yeah.
MJD: Alright, let's say your house catches on fire. All you loved ones are safe, and you can go back in your house and grab one thing. What would it be?
Tommie Harris: My Bible.
MJD: What's on your iPod right now? What are you listening to?
Tommie Harris: Rick Ross. I listen to everything.10
MJD: What's the best trash talk you've ever heard on the field?
Tommie Harris: I don't know, man. Nobody really talks that much to me.
MJD: Is that right?
Tommie Harris: Yeah. I'm the CEO of the football field.
MJD: So what has to change for the Bears this year for you guys to get back to the Super Bowl?
Tommie Harris: What has to change for us to get back to the Super Bowl is our record.
Tommie Harris: That's what has to change.11
MJD: *So what has to change for you guys to have a better record?
Tommie Harris: We do. We have to play better.
MJD: Right. I get that*. Do you think the Bears should've made any changes about the quarterback situation this offseason?
Tommie Harris: I don't know about the quarterback situation, I play defensive tackle.
MJD: Right, but you watch the offense.
Tommie Harris: Not really. I don't watch them. I just make sure when
they're coming off the field, I have to go out there.
* = Indicates that I'm giggling.
1 = He said something else after "fantastic," but I couldn't tell what it was.
2 = Thank you.
3 = Here, Tommie adopts a deadly serious tone as if the problem of poor hydration is threatening the life of everyone on the planet. It's hysterical.
4 = I originally thought he was talking about a golf club.
5 = He's not talking to me anymore.
6 = He's talking to me again.
7 = A very, very long pause followed by the sound of Tommie Harris attempting to suppress laughter.
8 = More laughter.
9 = Uproarious laughter.
10 = He named a couple of other artists, but I couldn't understand them. One of them sounded like "Kenton Jones," but I can't find evidence of anyone name Kenton Jones recording an album.
11 = Laughter.
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