The Washington Nationals tempted fate by letting Teddy win.
The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):
1. Washington Nationals (98-64; Previous: 1) – Third-base coach Porter prepared for Astros job all season by pretending he was in other dugout.
2. New York Yankees (95-67; Previous: 7) – Yankees get no pleasure watching Red Sox bomb. More like total, ass-kickin' euphoria.
3. Oakland Athletics (94-68; Previous: 8) – In a rage, Braden berates Stockton police officer, who says A's pitcher calmed considerably after officer, "got off his mound."
4. San Francisco Giants (94-68; Previous: 4) – Bored after clinching division so early, Giants amuse themselves by playing The Quiet Game, give up when Lou Seal always wins.
5. Cincinnati Reds (97-65; Previous: 2) – Two characteristics of stroke to have it considered as "mini": A) in which blood supply to brain is interrupted for short time; B) in which it happens to someone else.
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6. Atlanta Braves (94-68; Previous: 6) – Chipper farewell tour reaches in Pittsburgh. Honestly can't recall ever being there before.
7. Baltimore Orioles (93-69; Previous: 5) – Players say reports of in-flight fire was overblown, though admit was bad idea to store Chris Davis' bats near smoke detector.
8. Texas Rangers (93-69; Previous: 3) – Running out of stuff to consume, Josh Hamilton goes with sod, pine tar and cardboard diet.
9. Tampa Bay Rays (90-72; Previous: 11) – MLB rules that any Fernando Rodney arrow that strikes a Tropicana Field B ring shall be considered to have hit the moon.
10. Los Angeles Angels (89-73; Previous: 10) – Angels elimination has Arte Moreno so mad he stopped talking to three local hockey writers.
[Related: Red Sox end Bobby Valentine experiment]
11. Detroit Tigers (88-74; Previous: 12) – Sabermetrics analysis proves that only road team worse than Tigers was Donner Party.
12. St. Louis Cardinals (88-74; Previous: 13) – Ludwick tells reporters Petco Park "killed my career." Fortunately for Pads, it came back reincarnated as Chase Headley.
13. Chicago White Sox (85-77; Previous: 9) – Sox nauseated by way season ended. Or maybe it was all those gummy bears they ate on flight home.
14. Los Angeles Dodgers (86-76; Previous: 15) – Ethier featured in Louisville Slugger's exhibit on "Baseball Hotties," but only in the "vs. Right-handed Pitchers" section.
15. Milwaukee Brewers (83-79; Previous: 14) – Braun submits numbers for MVP consideration. Requests that they be sealed and ferried directly to FedEx office.
16. Philadelphia Phillies (81-81; Previous: 16) – Ryan Howard lost for season because of freak injury sustained when he dropped contract on his foot.
17. Arizona Diamondbacks (81-81; Previous: 17) – Gibson to spend winter hunting deer. Sometimes he simply stares them into submission, which makes less of a mess.
18. Pittsburgh Pirates (79-83; Previous: 18) – Pirates' player development side seeks players with qualities of hippies, Boy Scouts and Hells Angels. In show of support, Neal Huntington officially changes name to Moonbeam, dons a Webelos neckerchief and busts up a Marriott mini-bar.
19. San Diego Padres (76-86; Previous: 19) – Padres consider moving fences in at Petco Park. If not that, then moving home plate out. Either way, really.
[Related: A's pull off biggest shocker of MLB season]
20. Seattle Mariners (75-87; Previous: 20) – Mariners don't know what Orioles are whining about; they see Smoak on every charter.
21. Toronto Blue Jays (73-89; Previous: 23) – Bautista's jersey 16th-most popular seller in second half, according to MLB. It's fine, though; he hasn't needed it much since All-Star break.
22. Kansas City Royals (72-90; Previous: 21) – Royals set franchise record for strikeouts by pitching staff. Opposing teams suspect excessive barbecue sauce.
23. New York Mets (74-88; Previous: 24) – Keith Hernandez shaves mustache for charity. Charity offers double if he'll grow it back.
24. Miami Marlins (69-93; Previous: 25) – Fish truck crashes into Yale building named for Jeffrey Loria. Crowd that gathered at accident was far smaller than anticipated.
25. Boston Red Sox (69-93; Previous: 22) – Red Sox reach that awkward period when Larry Lucchino keeps drunk-dialing Terry Francona, asking what he's wearing.
26. Minnesota Twins (66-96; Previous: 26) – Twins relieve bullpen coach Rick Stelmaszek of duties. Now good to go for spring training.
27. Cleveland Indians (68-94; Previous: 27) – Indians kick themselves for not thinking of the bullpen coach thing.
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28. Colorado Rockies (64-98; Previous: 28) – Rockies consider the four ways to get effective pitchers to come to Denver: Free agency, trade, draft, gunpoint.
29. Chicago Cubs (61-101; Previous: 29) – Want to understand the Chicago's Cubs? They just lost 101 games and are reconfiguring the ballpark to fit more fans.
30. Houston Astros (55-107; Previous: 30) – Astros vow never to finish last in NL Central again. Thank Selig for his help with that.
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