Baseball can be child’s play to Hamels

Since Cole Hamels(notes) is in the throes of newborndom, and his life for the next few months will consist of eight basic themes, perhaps the best way to transition back from the delivery room into a Philadelphia Phillies uniform is through metaphorical application.

So from dads around the world to one who will soon learn the pleasures and pains, remember, as you take the mound tonight for Game 1 of the National League Championship Series against the Los Angeles Dodgers, fatherhood really isn’t altogether different from pitching.

1. Sleep is your changeup: Relish it. Cherish it. Best of all, use it as much as you can. It is soothing, the antidote to any hairy situation. Even if it’s not what it used to be, it’s still wonderful.

2. Poopy diapers are your regular season: Well, it’s true. Your innings per start dipped from 6.9 in 2008 to 6.1. And your earned-run average jumped to 4.32 – worse than league average. Nothing you can do about that anymore. So just treat it like a toxic Huggies and throw the thing away.

3. Nighttime feedings are your arm: Yes, it’s pretty damn painful at this point, especially considering you threw 262 1/3 innings in 2008. But you tough it out because duty calls – and, like a pitcher who begs out of a game, a dad who doesn’t sympathize and/or help at 3 a.m. will get some coarse words from The Boss.

4. Burping is your postseason: There’s pressure, and it builds, and it crests, and finally, in a strident release, salvation can be yours. Last year, you owned it: a 1.80 ERA in 35 innings, World Series MVP honors. Man, it’s righteous when it comes on strong. Oh, and by the way, it – burping, not pitching – is awfully tricky at first. Hearing that first Booger-level burp is right up there with winning a championship. Or something like that.

5. The fontanelle – the soft spot on your son’s skull – is your fastball: You’ve got to be careful with it. Last season, it was a plus pitch – the 16th-best in baseball, according to FanGraphs’ pitch values, to go along with the game’s best changeup. This year, it’s been worse – minus-6.3 runs, a troubling sign of bad location and command considering the velocity is almost the same.

6. The pacifier is your teammates: When in need of comfort and soothing, look around. The lineup behind you starts with six All-Stars. Remember, the guy who started Game 1 in the division series, Cliff Lee(notes), will return for Game 3, and Pedro Martinez(notes), who owns some hardware and jewelry, will pitch Game 2. And then there’s the bullpen, which, um, so, maybe it’s best you avert your eyes from that. Otherwise …

7. A crying baby is your bullpen: Because you want to love the poor little thing. You really do. But it drives you up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other side, back along the floor and in the same impossible square every time. So do what all good dads – or starting pitchers on teams with unreliable relief pitching – do: Don’t leave. With the baby, as much as you want to run outside and escape, it’s wrong. You have a responsibility. As you do to the Phillies: to save them from their own weakness.

8. Happiness is your second ring: World Series. Not wedding. That would be bad. And probably illegal.

Clayton Kershaw(notes) is probably still a couple years away from having a child. It’s tough to remember he’s only 21, especially considering he’s been in the major leagues for nearly 17 months.

Kershaw will oppose Hamels in Game 1, not a monumental surprise – he is the most talented Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher, and it’s not really close – except for his age and, well, the fact that last year not only did he spend the first few months of the season in the Southern League, his October appearances came out of the Dodgers’ bullpen.

Don’t let Kershaw’s 8-8 record stand in the way of his more important numbers: a .200 opponents’ batting average, .282 opponents’ slugging and the best fastball in the big leagues this year. He is an ace-in-the-making, and he could soon realize a dream.

When asked last year in Mobile, Ala., whom he looked up to, Kershaw said: “I love watching Andy Pettitte(notes). It would be a privilege to pitch against him.”

Well, if the New York Yankees win their series against the Los Angeles Angels in seven games, and the Dodgers oust the champions, and Joe Torre goes with Kershaw in Game 2, his opponent will be Pettitte. A lot of ifs, but still – bet even the possibility tickles Kershaw.

John Lackey(notes) will oppose the Yankees in Game 1 of the ALCS. No surprise there. Mike Scioscia’s decision to go with left-hander Joe Saunders(notes) for Game 2 was a bit of a mind bender.

Yes, Saunders does have the best groundball-to-flyball ratio among Angels starters – and he’s also given up the most home runs on the team, 29, tied for fifth most in baseball.

Which matters at Yankee Stadium, where the ball jumps out to right field and left field and, oh, pretty much everywhere. Scioscia did want to neutralize left-handed hitters, and Saunders does that well – his .692 OPS against is better than the .782 of Scioscia’s other left-handed choice, Scott Kazmir(notes), whose career splits against lefties are superior.

The most damning issue: Saunders hasn’t pitched since Oct. 4. Sure, Scioscia was going to use him, but maybe it would have been better to wait a few extra days and throw him in a friendly environment than put the pitcher with the ninth-lowest strikeouts-per-nine ratio in a pinball machine of a stadium and tell him to shut down a lineup that begins with seven All-Stars.

Is Joe Torre really onto something with his Ronnie Belliard(notes) man-crush? Over the long-term, Orlando Hudson’s(notes) bat has proven better than Belliard’s. The better question regarding the second basemen is in the field, and a pair of defensive metrics say wildly different things.

Ultimate Zone Rating says Belliard has been better than Hudson this season, while Baseball Prospectus’ Fielding Runs Above Average has Hudson significantly superior to Belliard.