That collective fever dream we had where Fernando Torres won the Golden Boot at Euro 2012 despite only starting two matches and tying five other players with three goals over the course of Spain's historic victory finally came true on Tuesday when he was presented with the award. Torres beat out Mario Gomez, Mario Balotelli, Cristiano Ronaldo, Alan Dzagoev and Mario Mandzukic to the award by having the highest amount of assists in the fewest minutes played and also because everyone decided it would be kind of funny to let him win after all his scoring difficulties over the previous year.
When asked for comment upon receiving the award, Torres presumably said: "This is for me? Really? This isn't one of Rio Ferdinand's prank shows, is it? Is the award going to explode or have a squirrel pop out or actually have Mario Gomez's name on it? I can actually take it home and have it forever? Wow.
"In that case, I would like to thank my family and my teammates who helped me score in the final against Italy after the match had already been over for several hours. I'd also like to thank Vicente Del Bosque for sometimes remembering my name. And his mustache for being so fluffy. I also need to thank my alter-ego, Fernando Gingerbread, for always trying to save the Blueberry Kingdom from evil Sir Strawberrynose and keeping my dreams happy.
"It's been a difficult year and a half for me, but after winning Euro 2012 and the Golden Boot and the Champions League and the FA Cup all I have left to say to all of you is stuff it. Stuff it hard. And stuff it deep."