"I am about to hit you in the testicles."
"I am clenching my jaw very tight because I am imagining my enemies' bones are between my teeth and I will never let them go, ever."
"I am swaying. Lilting, maybe? I am lilting. No. Swaying. Furiously swaying."
"I am starring in a Fox supernatural mystery thriller, if this piano is to be believed."
"I have all the night vision, so it is OK that it is dark."
"I am not a fan of you being in my house and would appreciate it if you left before you wake my war huskies."
"I am still really proud of yelling 'Anything is possible.'"
"I am sub-.500."
"I am sucking on some Werther's Originals. They're delicious, mother[EXPLETIVE]."
"I am such a sweet softie once you get past my brusque exterior."
Video via the Boston Celtics' YouTube channel.