The Olympics. Not just entertaining. Educational, too.
Know what I learned today? While watching a little synchronized swimming, analyst Carolyn Waldo revealed that the swimmers' hair was "shellacked back with vegetable gelatin." So, if you've been looking for the ultimate in hair care products - something that will really hold your 'do in place - head for the grocery store and grab some vegetable gelatin. If it can withstand the rigours of chlorinated water and a whole lot of being upside down, vegetable gelatin should be more than strong enough to keep your hairstyle looking fab. Of course, you may have a lot of flies hovering around you and maybe the odd crow landing on your noggin, but your hair will keep that freshly-lacquered look all day.
Let me say this about synchronized swimming. I can't possibly watch it without thinking of one of the best Saturday Night Live sketches ever. Not my fault. It's the fault of the comic genius of Martin Short, Harry Shearer and Christopher Guest.
Here comes "Day August 7th."
A Canadian duo looks for gold in synchro on this day. Marie-Pier Boudreau Gagnon and Elisse Marcotte will test their moves in the duet competition. Click on their names to see what they really look like. Because once a synchro swimmer is made and gelled up, you can't recognize them. 10 am ET, on Sportsnet.
Want more Bolt? Then check out the world's once-again fastest man as he starts his quest to add another gold to his collection. Sure, he's fast at 100 metres, but that's child's play. What can he do at 200 metres? Oh, yeah. He's the reigning Olympic champion in 200. Set a record in Beijing winning that race, too. Bolt has said that he really wants to add the repeat in this one as well, because defending his title in both races "is what's going to make me a legend." Riiiiight. Because he's not that yet. Hey, Usain, if you don't think you're a legend yet, you need to replace your current entourage. For cryin' out loud, Charlie Sheen's entourage has him believing he's a legend.
[Slideshow: Usain Bolt fans go wild]
The 200-metre heats are scheduled to start at 6:50 am ET, with Bolt in the first round. It's on CTV.
Does two-time Olympic medallist Simon Whitfield have any energy left after teeing off on all of Paula Findley's handlers? Findley, in a heartbreaking Olympic story, finished 52nd and last in the women's triathlon on the weekend. Whitfield blew up at just about everybody involved in Findlay's disappointment, from her ex-coach to the good folks at Own The Podium. Pretty sure he blamed you, too. He wins the gold in "Olympic verbal barrage." He next tries to unleash a blistering assault on the competition as the men's triathlon goes on Tuesday, 6:30 am ET. It's listed as being covered by both CTV and TSN. Watch for Whitfield's fellow Canadian competitors in this one; Kyle Jones was an alternate in Beijing, but he comes into these Olympics having won the Canadian championship just a few weeks ago. Brent McMahon carries Canadian hopes as well.
Will Canadian women be just another notch on the American basketball team's post up? The United States have won five straight games, by an average margin of 37 points. This would be a huge upset, should Canada pull it off. Quarter final action has the undefeated U.S. looking to storm past the two and two Canucks. 9 am ET, on TSN.
Welterweight boxing sees Canada's Custio Clayton duking it out with Great Britain's Freddie Davis, or as he's known to his fans, "Furious Freddie." And I don't think it's because he's an outspoken critic of Prime Minister David Cameron's domestic economic policy. Although, he might be. Just that I'm pretty sure it's because he can punch a million miles an hour and uses that quick left to strike with a fair bit of boxing anger. Clayton's been impressive so far. Can he punch his way to the semi's? 4:30 pm ET, on CTV.
Tons of medals to be given out in gymnastics, with the men's parallel bars and horizontal bar competitions finishing up, as well as the women's beam and floor exercise finals. The fun begins at 9 am ET, on CTV. By fun, I mean the commentary of Kyle Shewfelt. He's been good so far, but I need him to elevate his game into "made up adjectives" status. That would be spec-licious.
And now, for your dining and dancing pleasure, the broadcast consortium's entire schedule.